Time to start again

The last time I blogged was April 2. 2018 — more than a year ago. One year, five months and 29 days to be exact. That is a long time not doing something I profess to love. Writing is my thing. It’s how I make a living. It’s how I hope to one day make more than a living. Make art. Make a bigger life. Make something besides dinner.

April 2 was a Monday. I wonder what happened that week — maybe that month — that stopped me. I believe there are always unconscious (subconscious?) forces leading the way whether or not it’s the way we think we want to go. Our brains know more than we do. The irony. What was going on in my brain that dismissed any urge to sit down and write something and then hit publish? I’ve been doing morning pages for decades now, a daily writing ritual gifted to the world by Julia Cameron, but that’s not writing — it’s mind yoga, meditation with a pen and notebook. I do it to clear my head at the top of the day before I start to fill it back up again with to-do list items, unanswered texts, annoyances, tiny regrets and every other detail that works its way into my cerebral cortex.

Blogging is more like greasing the wheel. Being accountable to myself. If I want to be a writer, I should write. It’s so simple … as the most true answers usually are (said Occum). What does the good witch tell Dorothy? That she had it in her all along? Blogging is a way for me to remember that gem daily because I need a daily reminder — everything I want is already part of me, waiting for me to find it. What I know most about myself is that writing is my way to find whatever it is I’m searching for. Maybe I’ve just needed a year, five months and 29 days to figure out what I want now.

There’s another movie line that’s been weighing on me. It’s from Wine Country and delivered by the formidable (and not nearly celebrated enough) actress Cherry Jones playing tarot reader Lady Sunshine: “From one old lady to another. Get over all your shit, cause it’s later than you think!” This is the line that got me back here — I think about it all the time. And so finally, I am showing up for myself, and getting over my shit, because the reality is it’s later than I think and if I want to make more than dinner, I need to get back to writing now.

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